Memorial Day 2008

While you're all spending the three-day weekend eating hot dogs, gardening, shopping and watching Indiana Jones, remember what the holiday is all about. And remember, "Happy Memorial Day" is kind of a stupid phrase, as there's nothing at all "happy" about the fact that people had to die in a war - whether it was a war you agree with or a war you currently oppose.

Political Science 216 will return Tuesday.

In the name of reform, the PD advocates anti-reform. Plus, Jimmy Dimora is either an idiot or a genius - I can't tell.

The Plain Dealer is sick of the Cuyahoga County government. Specifically, they’re sick of the Democrats who are running it. In particular, they are sick of County Commissioner and county Democratic party chairman Jimmy Dimora. So the PD is advocating a plan that would give MORE POWER TO JIMMY DIMORA.

Meanwhile, commissioners Tim Hagan and Peter Lawson Jones are publicaly supporting the PD plan, because they are afraid of Cleveland’s only daily newspaper. But deep down inside, they are probably snickering, as the plan would give more power to the three commissioners, of which they are two.

And then there’s Dimora.

Dimora is either terribly dumb, or incredibly cunning.

Dimora has been screaming bloody murder against the Plain Dealer plan. Yes, the power-hungry Dimora is against a plan that would give him more power. So Dimora is an idiot.

Or...

Dimora knows that the more he says he hates the reform plan, the harder the PD will push for it – just to upset him. And then the plan will pass. And then Dimora will have more power.

Class, let’s review. The PD plan would eliminate seven elected offices. Yes, the problem with Democracy is Too Much Democracy – at least in the PD’s eyes. So the PD wants to eliminate these elected offices when, really, combining them would do – with the exception of coroner as nobody needs an elected coroner. So the people who would fill the power vaccum would be the county commissioners.

This doesn’t make any sense. It gives the commissioners more power. More power to hire county employees, more power to run county departments. This isn’t reform, it’s anti-reform.

Today the PD responded to the Professor’s past criticism by saying, esentially, that no reform plan is perfect. I agree. However, if we’re going to have reform, shouldn’t the New Plan at least be an improvement over the Current Plan?

And honestly, at the end of the day, which is more important – power or better government? Personally, I don’t care who’s in power, as long as I’m getting a good government out of it. By focusing on the power instead of good government, the PD is letting the entire region down.

Besides, my plan is better. Let’s implement it – we might find it is perfect.

One more thing... what the heck are the Cuyahoga County Republicans thinking? They’re on the verge of electing a Republican as County Recorder... and simultaneously promoting the PD plan that would eliminate the position.

The Professor comes up with a better idea. Again.

So people are mad at the Cuyahoga County government. Can’t say I blame them. Pat O’Malley is going to jail, the County Commissioners are wasting money as if they were in some kind of money wasting contest, and even the coroner’s office is becoming a patronage pit.

There’s an idea being floated to make things better. It goes something like this: Let’s eliminate the elected positions of Recorder, Coroner, Treasurer, Auditor and Sheriff. These folks would be appointed by the Commissioners.

And?

And, that’s it.

Dude, that plan sucks. It may even suck more than the current system, if at all possible.

Sure, we don’t need an elected Recorder or Coroner, and it wouldn’t take much to convince me that we don’t need an elected Treasurer, Auditor or Sheriff as well.

But is the solution to have these positions… and all the office jobs… determined by the Commissioners Hagan, Jones and Dimora? Really? You think THAT would be better? I think it’d be a pretty easy argument that it’d be worse.

So, as usual, it’s up to the Professor to come up with a solution. Here it is. Enjoy.

Step #1. Yeah, go ahead, get rid of the elected offices of Recorder and Coroner.

Step #2. Each Commissioner is elected to a single staggered six-year term. Commissioner A would be up in 2010, Commissioner B in 2012 and Commissioner C in 2014. After the conclusion of their term, they have to wait six years before they could serve as commissioner again – no job swapping like we see in the Ohio Statehouse.

What would this solve? Well, it’d ensure that no commissioner ever became too powerful. It’d guarantee that we got some new blood in there. And it would help put a dent in the current patronage system if we always had new commissioners.

Step #3. Establish job descriptions for every job in the county, and minimum requirements. We’ve seen articles in the newspapers where supervisors don’t know who hired someone and for what purpose. Other articles have suggested – fairly or unfairly depending on whom you ask or what letter to the editor you read – that some county employees are not qualified for their jobs.

Well, if everyone job had a detailed job description, taxpayers would be able to figure out what employees are doing. And if these job descriptions had minimum qualifications, we’d all know that people were actually qualified for their jobs.

And if we knew the job descriptions, we’d know if a certain office had 23 people in charge of office supplies – so we’d know where the county needed to make job cuts.

I’m sure I can come up with other ideas, but frankly, those are the three most important. And those ideas are a hell of a lot better than a silly plan to change Cuyahoga County government by giving MORE power to the County Commissioners.

But it's not up to me. It's not up to you. At the end of the day, it's up to The Plain Dealer editorial board, isn't it? So I'll mention them in the labels below, they'll read this and we'll see what they think soon.

I've upset Jim Sorgi's cousin.

Usually when I post a lecture here at Political Science 216, if I get a comment on it, it’s usually within a couple of days.

But lately, people have been offering comments on posts from weeks or months ago. I think people are bored and are Googling their friends and relatives.

Such is the case with Jim Sorgi’s cousin. Sorgi, as you’ll recall, is the Indianapolis Colts quarterback who was just so darn awful filling in for Peyton Manning that his team lost to the Titans and our beloved Cleveland Browns missed out on going to the playoffs.

Well, after the game, I posted “An open letter to Jim Sorgi.” And Jim’s cousin has stumbled upon it, and he’s displeased. Here’s his comment:

hey, thanks.Jim is my cousin and I love him to death. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't post things about how much you hate him, do you even know him? He's not getting much play time, after all, he's backing Peyton Manning. Those are some pretty big shoes to fill. So, please just back off. He's a really great guy.

Well, to be clear, I never said I hated him. I expressed anger that he seemed unprepared to play against the Titans – which he did. And it’s not like he didn’t receive warning that he would play most of the game – he did.

Sure, I did write that I wanted to drive to Indianapolis and kick him in the junk, and I did suggest he looked like he was playing as if he was suffering from lead paint poisoning. Maybe that was a tad harsh. But I never said I hated him. Hate is a very strong word.

And honestly, I’m not sure if the Browns’ third string quarterback Ken Dorsey would fare much in a meaningless Week 17 game.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m just about over it.

So, nameless Sorgi cousin, I’ll make you this offer. You come to Cleveland to see your cousin play and/or hold a clipboard against my Browns this November. Wear your #12 jersey. I’ll try to find you. And if I do, I’ll buy you a beer, and a hotdog with stadium mustard.

And with all due respect, I’ll hope I get to see your cousin play. No offense, but like you said, Peyton’s got some big shoes.

The Curse of Crankshaft.

Looking for a scapegoat in the Cavaliers’ loss to the Boston Celtics on Sunday in Game 7? Well, this is what appeared in our newspapers the morning of the big game.

For more analysis, visit one of my favorite blogs.

The cow says, “moo.” The horse says, “neigh.” The dog says, “Hey, what the heck are you trying to do? And who’s the guy with the camera?”

Patrick O’Malley has one of three problems.

O’Malley, the former Cuyahoga County Recorder, has had a bad week. He resigned his office and pled guilty in Akron Federal Court to a serious obscenity charge. He could spend time in prison.

But those aren’t the problems I’m talking about.

If you watched TV, listened to the radio or read the Plain Dealer the last two days, you know that O’Malley’s porn problem might land him in prison. Many have speculated and assumed O’Malley possessed child pornography.

So O’Malley’s lawyer was asked about this by a scrum of local reporters outside the courthouse. “No, no” the lawyer said, emphatically. He swore up and down that O’Malley did not plead guilty to child pornography. It was pornography involving adults.

“Well, that’s good,” the local reporters seemed to think.

But then, if it wasn’t child pornography, what was it? What was so disgusting and illegal that O’Malley could go to prison?

“Think,” said the reporters. “Think, think, think.”

Then, one reporter asked, “Was it beastiality?”

At this point, we were through the looking glass. All the pressure was on O’Malley’s lawyer. If his client was not in possession of sexual material involving animals, well, now was the time to say so. And he had to say so emphatically. “No, no, no, not at all, no way, never, absolutely not” would have been a good answer.

Unless…

Oh oh…

O’Malley’s lawyer then said something like “We’ll find out additional information at sentencing.”

So one of the following is Patrick O’Malley’s big problem:

A. O’Malley’s lawyer is incompetent.
B. O’Malley’s lawyer is hard of hearing.
C. O’Malley is a connoisseur of pornography involving animals and humans.

Ewwwwwww.

Let me say this: I don’t know. But now, let me say this, ust in case it is "C": Those folks in Northeast Ohio who are eligible for jury duty should be very, very thankful that this case isn’t going to a jury trial.

“Your honor, I’d like to present on DVD, State Exhibits A, B, C, D, E, F & G. The first title is ‘Debbie Does Donkey,’ ‘The Screwing of the Lambs,’ ‘One hundred and Sixty Nine Dalmatians,’ ‘Dalliances with Wolves,’ ‘A Day at the Races & A Night in the Stables,’ ‘The Deer Hunter’ and ‘Gorillas in the Mist.’ Members of the jury, if you’d turn your attention to the large screen television monitor…”

Could you imagine the trouble they’d have seating that jury? And keeping them seated? And keeping their eyes open? The prosecution would have to resort to drastic measures.

Regardless, I think it's safe to say Patrick O'Malley's career in politics is over. After this, he won't be able to get elected to anything - even dog catcher.

Especially dog catcher.

EPILOGUE: Well, that’s all I’ve got to say about this. Mel, Court TV, Wonkette or some other blog will have to take it from here. I think I liked it better when the most controversial thing I had to write about was Dennis Kucinich’s campaign for President.

Ohio Education Association attacks John McCain.

On a much less disgusting note, teachers from all around Ohio received a mailer from their union telling them that John McCain is bad news for them.

While it’s a typical piece, it does bring up two interesting things. First, it’s confirmed that the Ohio Education Association isn’t going to wait around for this Obama vs. Clinton thing to end. Second, it includes the now standard progressive attack on McCain. “He’s a war hero, but…”

Here’s the text…

Issue Update from the Ohio Education Association

“Competition is the key to success in education in America. That means charter schools, that means homeschooling, it means vouchers…” – John McCain, Republican Presidential Debate, 12/9/07

Fact Check: John McCain on Education

Ohio Education Association members have a lot of questions about John McCain’s education record. As a naval officer, John McCain served his country honorably, but during his 25 years in political office, he has consistently voted against public schools. As president, we can expect more of the same.

It’s important to know the facts, so we are providing this information as a service to OEA members.

John McCain Supports Paying Teachers Based on Test Scores. McCain said, “… we need to give merit pay for teachers and we need to have it based on student performance.”

John McCain Supports Vouchers. McCain strongly supports vouchers that take money away from public schools. He has consistently voted in favor of expanding voucher pilot programs.

John McCain Supports No Child Left Behind. McCain said No Child Left Behind (NCLB) was “a major milestone in trying to improve education in this country,” but he refuses to fully fund NCLB. As president, he would make the law’s reauthorization a top priority.

Then, on the back, is the OEA study guide.

Stay informed! When your family and coworkers ask you about John McCain’s record on education, here are 3 things they need to know:

1. John McCain is no friend of public schools. He thinks teachers should be paid based on student test scores, and supports vouchers, charter schools and other policies that take resources out of the classroom.

2. John McCain will continue George Bush’s failed education policies. He is a strong supporter of No Child Left Behind but refuses to fully fund the mandates.

3. John McCain doesn’t understand that our economic future depends on strong public schools. He supports trade laws that sends jobs overseas, but won’t give our kids the tools they need to compete in a global economy.

So, class, when you see a teacher, ask them what you should know about John McCain’s record on education. See if they give you the three talking points.

Grumpy Old Men 2008?

With Marc Dann and Patrick O’Malley hogging the headlines, most of us overlooked this.

A DC newspaper called The Hill checked in with all the U.S. Senators not running for President and asked them if they’d be interested in being veep, if asked. Read the whole thing, as some of the Senators are kinda funny.

Sherrod Brown gave a polite and slightly firm “no”:

Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio)
“No, I want to continue serving the people of Ohio as their senator for as long as I’m able.”

George Voinovich, much to my surprise, was pretty chatty in his response:

Sen. George Voinovich (R-Ohio)
“Honestly, if John McCain came to me and said, ‘George, I think that you would help me and should be part of my team,’ I’d have to say, ‘Yes, I’d be glad to help.’ The fact of the matter is, I’m worried about our country. I’m really worried. And I want to run again for only one reason, that things are so screwed up, I’m just worried about my kids. So if somebody came to me and said, ‘We really think you could help us do this,’ I couldn’t say no because maybe it’s another way of serving my country and it’s maybe even more important than being a senator. The first question I’d ask is, ‘What role would you want me to play? If you want me to give a bunch of speeches, I’m not the guy. Get somebody else. If you want me to roll up the shirtsleeves, get up early in the morning, dot the I’s and cross the T’s, do substantive stuff? OK.’ ”

McCain/Voinovich? It’s very curious. Voinovich would bring two things to the ticket that most others couldn’t.

First, he’d make the ultra-conservatives in the Republican Party go nuts.

And even more impressively, he’d make McCain look young. It’d be the Grumpy Old Men ticket.

Since Voinovich of course is from Ohio, I wouldn’t necessarily rule it out. It’s so crazy, it just might work.

Obama/Brown makes a tad more sense. Sherrod helps Obama with a swing state, and he really, really excites labor. Sherrod was also named by the same newspaper as one of the sexiest people on Capitol Hill, so perhaps the Obama/Brown ticket would go down as the sexiest in history. Let’s ask Mel about that.

I also think the pissed off Hillary supporters would just love, and I mean really love, Sherrod’s wife Connie Schultz. Also, she would help Obama with waitresses, coat checkers and other people who work for tips.

Tell me what you think. Vote in the poll.

MISS MEL: When one door closes, another one opens, just to hit you on the ass again on your way out.

With the completion by resignation of Marc Dann from public office, we move on to more prominent public figures.. such as your trusted Cuyahoga County Recorder, Patrick O'Malley. Wait... who? Oh yeah, that town drunk who had that little nasty divorce battle with VICKI! a few years back.

In a somewhat hushed move, O'Malley allegedly cleared out his office things. I know you're thinking "County Recorder, uh, did I VOTE for this person?" I know what you're also answering yourself with, "Blah, blah blah... sex scandal... been there... moving on."

While we are no stranger to public office scandals and humiliation here at Political Science 216, Cuyahoga County residents should note this potential resignation is result of an obscenity count in federal court in Akron. And I have the feeling it's not because he started drawing caricatures of penises on bank mortgages.

Furthermore, O'Malley was FBI-investigated for CHILD PORNOGRAPHY material in 2004. OK, maybe it was baby penises. And boy-oh-boy, do I love the word "lewd."

We have another pending resignation on our hands, folks: Obscenity Deed. Recording cost: $28 for the first two pages.

Now remember students, if Judy Nedwick from Lorain County starts engaging in part-time swinging, someone give me a call, eh?

The Marc Dann Resignation Watch is over! Mission accomplished!

“Mission accomplished.”

That ain’t a foolish George W. Bush styled statement. It’s the truth. The mission was to drive the corrupt Marc Dann from office. And today, the mission is accomplished.

Map props go out to the Columbus Dispatch for breaking the story and other newspapers (most notably The Plain Dealer and the Dayton Daily News) for piling on.

And as I wrote yesterday morning, Governor Ted Strickland and Ohio Democratic Party chairman Chris Redfern should be congratulated. They saw a rotten apple in their basket, and instead of letting him stay around like the Republicans did with Bob Ney and Bob Taft, they threw him out.

Of course, bloggers should get a pat on the back too. Righty bloggers attacked Dann because he was a Democrat, or so it often seemed to me, so some of them should only get a light pat. However, lefty bloggers dug into the Condogate story because they believe Democrats should stand for good, not corruption. Dann was proved to be corrupt, so they pushed for his removal.

But, there was only one blog that was first to call for Dann to resign.

There was only one blog that was first to predict Dann would be forced to resign and did so waaaay back on April 6th. There was only one blog that predicted waaay back in April the exact date of Dann's resignation within a margin of two weeks.

There’s only one blog who coined the phrase “Condogate,” one blog that started the Marc Dann Resignation Watch, one blog that was recognized as the best source for Condogate coverage.

And while others got off task and focused on Dann’s affair, one blog kept you focused on the public misdeeds that would lead to the events of today – Dann’s resignation in shame.

You are reading that blog right now.

Am I bragging? No. It ain’t bragging if it’s true.

So let that be a lesson to all politicians out there, both Democrat and Republican. Do your job, do it honestly. Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t abuse the hired help. You do all that, you’re going to be fine.

But if you don’t… you’re going to get schooled by The Professor.

One scandal winds down, another starts up. It's the Circle of Politics.

Well, it seems like we have a resignation coming. Not Marc Dann, but Patrick O’Malley, the Cuyahoga County Recorder. Media reports, at this writing, are foggy. But Pat’s in trouble for something.

Based on what we all have heard about Pat, it could be anything. Anything from shady government dealings, to offering a political opponent a job in return for her getting out of a race against him, to, and it enrages me to even write this, child pornography.

What does O’Malley have to say about all this?

Nothing.

Nobody knows where he is. People I’ve talked to say he could trying to leave the country. Seriously. Like Roman Polanski.

Now, even your Professor is not ready to believe he could be so stupid to try to flee the country... but just in case, I’ve developed this logo just in case...

Developing...

Today has to be the day. Right?

Today has to be the day, right? This is the day Marc Dann will resign. Reports out of Columbus are that the State Highway Patrol has emptied out Dann’s office as part of the Inspector General’s investigation.

It’s not that I believe Dann will necessarily be shamed by this, per se. It’s that I believe he won’t be able to get any work done with out computers and telephones. And pens, Cooter, we have no pens.

Deal or no deal? NO DEAL!

So NOW Marc Dann wants to deal?

Dude, you negotiate from a postition of strength. You’ve got nothing.

It seemed earlier today that Dann was on the verge of resigning, but then he suggested he’d leave office only if members of the General Assembly chose not to have the state Inspector General investigate him.

Um, Marc, you had your chance to negotiate. You’ll recall that Ted Strickland and Friends sent you a letter last week. Resign or face articles of impeachment. You didn’t resign. Now this morning you saw articles of impeachment introduced.

It’s too late.

Sure, you can stay in office a few more days so you can delete e-mails, shred things and dunk cell phones in hot coffee hoping that the list of folks called would all go away.

But other than that, it’s only going to get worse for you the longer you stay in office.

You see, every day you’re in office, it will be a day closer to the Inspector General will find out about your newly discovered problems – gambling interests, campaign finance problems and (if some folks are to be believed) mob ties.
Every day you’re in office is another day the FBI will chase you around.

Every day you’re in office is another day members of the House can write more articles of impeachment. And it’s another day closer to your impeachment trial.

Every day you’re in office is another day people are learning what a corrupt thug you are. And every day you’re in office is another day I’m writing about you and not writing about the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Here’s the absurd part, I mean the really absurd part, of Dann’s negotiating plea. “Call off the Inspector General,” he says, “and I’ll resign.”

As opposed to, what? Staying in office and letting the Inspector General look into your shady dealings?

This is what you want, Marc? Don’t insult our intelligence.

Frankly, Marc, stay in office. You’re not going to be able to hold on through the summer. And every day you’re in office will be another day where things will get worse for you.

And Marc, that’s exactly what you deserve.

Um, now what? How about a point-by-point rebuttal to the blunderbuss editorial.

Today’s lead editorial in the Plain Dealer – Um, now what? – contained the most poorly reasoned arguments I’ve read in the Metro section since, um, the last Kevin O’Brien column. Actually, since the editorial is unsigned and since O’Brien is a member of the editorial board, I’m going to assume he wrote it.

Regardless, it’s utter nonsense. Read it, and let me refute it point-by-point.

Point #1. By calling for impeachment, Democrats ensured that Dann would refuse to go. Also, this is comparable to the Cuban Missile Crisis, in some weird way.

Um, no. It’s comparable to Watergate. You’ll recall that Republican National Committee chairman George H. W. Bush was the first to call on President Richard Nixon to resign.

So, it seems that the Plain Dealer wanted to cast Ohio Democratic Party chairman Chris Redfern and Governor Ted Strickland in the role of Bush, and Dann as Nixon. They should have merely asked Dann to resign.

Well, what happened with Bush and Nixon? Bush asked, Nixon said no. It wasn’t until impeachment was threatened that Nixon resigned.

Keep in mind, junior historians, that Nixon was never actually impeached. The threat of impeachment got him out of the White House. So it seems that Strickland and Redfern are smartly skipping to the next step by threatening impeachment.

So Dann is more stubborn than Nixon. Who knew? Better yet, so what? Impeach him, then.

Point #2. “The worst penalty Dann could face would be loss of the job that 2 million Ohioans hired him to do.”

I may have missed the commercial where Marc Dann promised to give a raise to his mistress, hire all his corrupt and drunk buddies from Youngstown, allow a culture in his office where women will be sexually harassed, threatened, groped and perhaps assaulted (and much of this taking place in his own condo), where state vehicles will be driven into things by employees who are drunk, mismanage an office financially to the point where the State Auditor would have to investigate, and the FBI would investigate his dealings with gamblers and probably the mob.

Point is, that’s the job Dann has done. That’s not the job Ohioans hired him to do.

Point #3. Strickland and Sherrod Brown voted against impeaching Bill Clinton.

So what? If Ted and Sherrod were against impeaching Clinton because he was a Democrat, but they were for impeaching a Republican, maybe you’d have an argument. But Dann is a Democrat too. Or, at least we was until he was excommunicated. Besides, the level for impeachable offenses is much higher for President than they are in the state of Ohio. Come on Kevin O’Brien, you can do better than that.

Point #4. Democrats have argued that the Ohio General Assembly districts are unfairly drawn to favor Republicans, so they should also believe the General Assembly isn’t representative enough to hold an impeachment hearing.

So, by this reason, there should never be an impeachment hearing until both parties agree on the General Assembly map? By this reasoning, perhaps the PD believes Democrats shouldn’t participate in the state government at all, because they don’t like how the districts are shaped.

Point #5. Impeachment is blunderbuss! Impeachment would be a waste of the legislature’s time.

Um, exactly what is the legislature doing with its time this summer? Vacationing? Fundraising? Watching the Cavaliers? That’s about it. Oh sure, some are probably drinking heavily. But it’s not like they’re soooo busy that they don’t have time to hold an impeachment hearing. Besides, when was the last time any member of the House or Senate worked really hard in Columbus on a weekend, let alone a Friday or a Monday?

Point #6. A better alternative to impeachment would be removal by petition and court hearing.

I agree… to a point. Maybe. But as it stands, the court hearing would have to be in Youngstown. Dude, unless you can guarantee a change in venue, I’m not going to trust a single judge or jury in that area to give us a fair trial.

Point #7. What about Traficant? Redfern and the Democrats never kicked him out of the party.

First of all, Traficant was booted from Congress when Redfern was what, 19 years old, and not the chair of the ODP. Second, as a felon, Traficant cannot vote or hold office, thus he’s already not a Democrat. But most importantly, in Traficant’s last race for Congress, Tim Ryan was the Democratic nominee. Traficant ran as an independent. So, Traficant is already not a Democrat, he’s an independent. Look it up.

But I will give the PD editorial board props for being right more often than they’ve been wrong lately. Also, they get bonus points for use of the word “blunderbuss.”

Oh, just in case you missed it - or had any doubts - Marc Dann is a lying thug.

Did you read the latest threat coming out of Marc Dann's office? Here's a link to a column in the Columbus Dispatch from Sunday.

Let me take you to the interesting part, as reported by Ben Morrison...

"Dann even went so far as to threaten to fabricate allegations that newspaper editors who would report the story were also having illicit affairs."

Did you see that? Let me print it again, but larger.

"Dann even went so far as to threaten to fabricate allegations that newspaper editors who would report the story were also having illicit affairs."

So Marc Dann is threatening to lie and threaten to cover his own corrupt ass. And this is our Attorney General?

Dude, I'm not prepared to wait for impeachment, or for Dann to do the right thing and resign. Did y'all read Tom Suddes this weekend in the PD? Two words: recall petition. We'd need 603,443 signatures.

You all in?

Dance around the May Poll.

Someone’s doing a poll! In May! Someone’s doing a poll! That’s what several of my buddies are telling me.

Within the last few days, some group has been doing a poll. The automated poll is asking folks in Cuyahoga County their preference in the County Recorder race (Patrick O’Malley vs. Cathy Luks), the contested County Commissioner race (Peter Lawson Jones vs. Deborah Sutherland) and the County Prosecutor race between Bill Mason and Annette Butler.

But who’s doing the poll? Dunno. My money would be on the Republicans, trying to figure out if they can win any of these races. They could have saved some money by asking me. The answers? Quite possibly, probably not and no.

Or maybe the Democrats are doing it. I can’t imagine they’d be polling this early, but who knows for sure?

An intriguing guess would be The Plain Dealer. Perhaps they’re trying to determine if any of the local incumbents are vulnerable this fall. If so, you can expect a big story, one would imagine.

The Professor saves the Cleveland Marathon

“It’s so hard thinking here inside this box. It’s dark, it’s cramped, and it’s scary. Maybe if we gave out a better t-shirt, we could get more people to participate in the race. Oh, and if the race had a catchier name, perhaps people would come out and watch it.”

Okay, nobody said the above. But it's like they did in the Plain Dealer article today about the Cleveland Marathon. Sigh. Does your Professor have to fix everything for you? Okay, here we go again...

Now the problem is that only 2,539 people ran in the Rite Aid Cleveland marathon last year, making it the 32nd largest marathon in the country, according to today’s PD.

Let’s first deal with what the problems aren’t. The problem isn’t that some people think it’s too cold in Cleveland in May, while others think it’s too hot. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Nor is the problem the lack of a nice goody bag.

Come on people. Join me in thinking outside the box. It’s time for some straight talk. I’m talking real solutions for the marathon. Can we save the marathon? Yes, we can.

WINNING HAS ITS REWARD… BUT SO DOES FINISHING. So right now, if you win this marathon, you get $1,000. I agree. That sucks. It’s got to be more. Let’s go with $10,000. I don’t care how you raise it – better sponsors, less crap in the goody bags, or less money to the Cleveland Marathon charities.

$10,000 will probably attract more elite runners than the current $1,000. Of course. But really, this is only part of the problem.

I mean, what percentage of people enter a marathon with the thought they’re going to win? 5 percent? That’s probably right.

So let’s do some math. Last year, 127 entered the race thinking they could finish first and win $1,000. So if you increase the $1,000 prize up to $10,000 – well, maybe you get a lot more elite runners. Maybe you increase that number to 300, maybe 500. An impressive increase, to be sure, but not enough to move the Cleveland Marathon from “semi-sucky” to “awesome.”

Here’s how you make the leap to awesome. Award a random runner who finishes $10,000 as well.

Think about it. The way it is now, only 5% of the runners expect to win any money. 95% have no chance. However, if you give folks a slight chance of winning, they’ll be more likely to enter. I mean, if you are a marathon runner living in Columbus, would you rather drive to Cincinnati and run in their race knowing that you’re going to finish in the middle of the pack? Or, would you drive to Cleveland and run in their race knowing that you’re going to finish in the middle of the pack… but you might end up winning $10,000?

And $10,000 is just a random number. I mean, right now it costs $800,000 to put on the race. Cut 10% from that budget. That’s $80,000. Divide it by 2. $40,000 to the winner, and $40,000 to a random finisher.

The random finisher can be determined by a Golden Ticket in the goody bag.

HOW TO GET PEOPLE TO COME WATCH. Hey, come to Cleveland on a rainy May morning, and watch a bunch of skinny and sweaty people in unflattering shorts run past you. “No thanks,” most people will say. Why? Because it’s not interesting.

Care to make it interesting?

You know what I’m saying.

Gambling.

Why do people watch horse racing? Oh, sure, some people watch horse racing because they like horses. I get it. But really, people watch because they want to put down $10 to win on Number Nine.

People would watch the Cleveland Marathon if there were wagering.

End the race at Cleveland Browns Stadium. Set up betting kiosks. Get the Ohio Lottery to sponsor the whole thing. It’d be good for the schools. And odds are, you’ll have fun.

MAKE IT CLASSY. You don’t want your crowd at the Stadium to look like the crowd at Thistledown. No offense. You want them to look glamorous, like the crowd at the Kentucky Derby. So, encourage people to dress up. Men in seersucker suits and women in pretty sundresses and big hats. Sex it up a tad. Serve mint juleps.

THE ROUTE. I’ll have to spend sometime with Mapquest to figure out the route, but it’s got to end at the Browns Stadium. I mean, it’s not like it’s going to be booked. But the route has got to be pretty. Who cares about traffic? I mean, who’s downtown on a Sunday AM anyway? Have them run past all the pretty things in Cleveland.

There. Isn’t the air fresher outside the box?

Maureen Dowd asks me a question, and I answer it.

To be honest, Maureen Dowd wasn’t asking me directly, much to my dismay. But a good question was asked through the headline in her column today in the PD. “What’s the best way to get back at Hillary?” Here's the link. (The NYT used a different headline.)

Specifically, she was speculating on how Barack Obama could get back at Hillary after the primary battle. In Maureen’s deep brown eyes, Obama could torture her by offering her the VP slot and make her irrelevant in the White House. Or, he could deny the slot to her.

I think there’s another option. Obama could make her ask for the #2 spot. He could make her ask for it multiple times. He could make her beg for it. Grovel for it. Make her cry for it.

And then Obama should tell her “no, sorry, I’m going with Bill Richardson.”

But that’s just me, and I can be kind of a jerk.

But Obama, as far as I can tell, is no jerk. So here’s how he can get his revenge on Hillary…

Be an awesome President for eight years. Then, deny Hillary the nomination in 2016. How? By putting Bill Richardson in charge of finding Osama bin Laden. Give Richardson everything he needs to be successful. Then, once Richardson is successful, leak the story (to Maureen Dowd or to Political Science 216) that Richardson took a piss in bin Laden’s skull.

Then Richardson becomes president for 8 years, and it will be too late for Hillary in 2024.

I thought I was making an absurd statement. I guess I wasn’t.

I’m not taking back anything I said. When I said poll workers must check all nuns for identification when they try to vote in Indiana, I meant it. A Voter ID Law should apply to everyone, no exceptions for people that are viewed by society to be trustworthy.

However, I was making a bit of an absurd statement when I suggested that nuns were untrustworthy, unsavory people.

Or at least I thought I was being absurd. Then I picked up today’s Plain Dealer.

Buried deep in the story about Joe Santiago, Martin Sweeney and the missing e-mails was this paragraph:

“(Santiago spokesman David) Eden said the (e-mail) messages in question were accessed remotely by Santiago’s assistant, Sister Alicia Alvarado, through a link connected to the council’s e-mail server.”

Whoa. SISTER Alicia Alvarado? You mean to tell me a nun is a central figure in this missing e-mail scandal? Nuns are part of the political Culture of Corruption? So I wasn’t being silly the other day when I was insulting nuns? Nuns really are untrustworthy? Perhaps I can see the future, like Nostradamus, and my visions confuse and haunt me.

Or, perhaps more likely, Santiago and Eden are throwing a nun under the bus for their own political purposes.

I wonder which is worse. You tell me. Vote in the poll.

An open letter to PD editor Susan Goldberg

Susan –

I like you. You’ve got spunk.

Don’t let it go to your head, but you’re making the PD more fun to read. You see politicians doing stupid things, and you throw rocks at them. You and I, hon, we have a lot in common.

We need to work together on a little something.

You’re starting to figure out that the Cleveland City Council is just too unwieldy. Folks like Zack Reed, Martin Sweeney and Joe Santiago continue to do dumb things, and sometimes illegal things, and they’re not held responsible. Lost in the clutter of all their dumb and illegal activities is the fact that, well, the council isn’t really contributing any progress to the city. They’re not doing anything. Nothing is getting done.

Why?

Let me tell you why, Susan.

While city council as a whole is incompetent, individual members often escape the wrath of voters. With 21 members of council, it’s hard to pin the blame down on one member. “It can’t be my guy screwing up the city,” a voter on the East Side will assume, “it must be someone else.”

There’s no accountability because there are too many members of council. Way too many for a city this size.

Susan, if you want accountability on city council, if you want to see some of these incompetent members replaced by voters, you’ve got to support reducing the number council members.

There are 21.

There should be 7. Not 15, but 7.

For your convience, I’ve already come up with a plan to merge the tiny wards into larger wards. Please review it, endorse it, and work with me to make it happen.

I know your paper is thinking about it. That time is past. Decide. Let’s do it.

We’ve thrown enough rocks at Marc Dann that he’s on the verge of leaving office. Now it’s time to trim down the Cleveland City Council until it’s a reasonable size so that members will be held accountable. You with me?

I beg to remain,
Sincerely yours,
The Professor

PS. You, me and Brent Larkin should get lunch some time.

Gutierrez actually did more on the job than wreck cars and harass women! He ran a business on our dime!

So if the newspapers are right today, it seems that Marc Dann’s roommate Anthony Gutierrez did more than drive state SUV’s into walls while intoxicated and harass young women on the job. He also found time between 8:30 AM and 4:30 PM each day to run his own construction business!

Well, that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, as he got other state employees to help run his business on state time as well. And on state computers too.

It makes me wonder what a typical work schedule looked like.

8:00 AM
Wake up. Wonder where the hell I am.

8:45 AM
Wake up again. Continue search for clues on where the hell I am.

9:00 AM
Get dressed, go outside. Ah yes, the condo parking lot. Examine new damage to state vehicle. Drive to work.

9:30 AM
Arrive at Rhodes Office Building. Check out what the smoking hot chicks are wearing this AM.

10:00 AM
Harass women.

10:45 AM
Wipe last night’s vomit off nose.

11:00 AM
Lunch.

1:30 PM
See how construction business is going.

3:00 PM
Harass women.

4:00 PM
Interview new job applicants. Get bored by resumes, wonder why whole process can’t be done by wet t-shirt contest.

4:15 PM
Plan Happy Hour strategy.

4:25 PM
Order office supplies for AG’s office – press Easy Button at Staples website.

4:30 PM
Happy Hour begins. Drink, harass women.

7:29 PM
Last call at Happy Hours.

7:30 PM
Dinner.

8:30 PM
Madcap drinking, harassing, driving.

10:30 – 11:30 PM
Nightly Period of When Events get a Little Fuzzy. Discussion of mob ties.

11:35 PM
Cocktail hours back at condo with Dann. Pizza?

Rinse, wash, repeat.

I find myself in the unfamiliar and uncomfortable position of simultaneously disagreeing with Phillip Morris, Jon Stewart and C-Notes.

I don’t like it.

I find myself in the unfamiliar and uncomfortable position of simultaneously disagreeing with Phillip Morris, Jon Stewart and C-Notes. I don’t like it a bit. Not one stinkin’ bit. But the feeling ain’t going away, so I guess I’m going to have to address it.

Now that I think about it, I also wasn't wild about Maureen Dowd’s column today. And regular readers of this blog know how I feel about Maureen Dowd. If I find myself disliking Tina Fey’s performance tonight on 30 Rock, I think I might have to take a week off to rest.

There’s a reason why I refer to the Marc Dann scandal by the all-encompassing term “Condogate” instead of the more narrow (yet colorful and clever) Pajamagate. Even though, personally, I prefer “The Pajama Game.”

Condogate, in my mind, cover all the wrong doings by the three roommates at the condo - Dann, Leo Jennings and Anthony Gutierrez. In contrast, Pajamagate – a term coined by Scene – seems to focus just on the adulterous affair by Dann.

The affair was the focus of Scene’s C-Note piece arguing it might not be a good idea to impeach Dann, as well as the focus of today’s Morris column and Jon Stewart’s report the other night on The Daily Show. To an extent, I agree with the folks I am disagreeing with. Yes, Dann shouldn’t be kicked out for having an affair.

But he should be kicked out for running an office where unqualified, obnoxious alcoholics with mob ties can get jobs and not get fired until after the entire state starts calling for their heads.

I was going to write a lot more on this, but after further reflection, that’s all that really needs to be said.

HAL?

Here's part of a story that will run tomorrow in the Plain Dealer. The headline is "Cleveland Council blames old computer system for deleted Santiago e-mails" because the paper is too polite to run a story with a headline that reads "Oh, bullshit!"

Cleveland City Council acknowledges breaking state law by transacting the public's business in private e-mails that were not preserved.

Council President Martin J. Sweeney on Wednesday blamed a 10-year-old computer system that has been undergoing maintenance for more than a year. A full upgrade won't be completed until late summer at the earliest.

"It's not possible" to comply with the law, said Ron Copfer, a technology consultant the council hired to upgrade its system. "It is what it is."

The problems came to light Wednesday as Sweeney tried to explain why the council remains unable to turn over 14 months of Councilman Joe Santiago's e-mail. The e-mails cover a period when Santiago helped get a liquor license for a bar managed by a convicted drug dealer.

Sweeney said it is likely that Santiago forwarded the e-mails from his council account to his personal account. Sweeney and Copfer claim that once a message is forwarded, it disappears from council's antiquated computer network...

Maybe it's just me.

All the other blogs from around these here parts have done a lovely job dissecting what happened last night in North Carolina and Indiana. There really isn’t much I can add here that would be any different, except to I would have enjoyed hearing Obama say the line, “I accept your nomination.”

But here’s what I do want to say about Indiana that I bet few others are saying.

While I think voter ID laws are a little over-the-top in their attempts to fight a problem that doesn’t seem to really exist… I’m glad they’re being enforced consistently in Indiana. I mean, if you’re going to have a law, enforce it for everyone. Right? It’s only fair.

I’m talking, of course, about the big hoopla over the fact that nuns – that’s right, NUNS – were turned away from a polling place because they didn’t bring their ID. Good. A law’s a law, even if it’s flawed. It’s got to be enforced, or else it’s worthless.

It’s wrong to suggest that it should only be applied to those who “look trustworthy,” like nuns. First, who says that all nuns are trustworthy? Not me. Second, if we allow nuns to vote in Indiana without showing ID, aren’t we not inviting voter fraud by allowing people who aren’t registered to vote to vote by just dressing up as a nun and voting in place of someone else, or perhaps a dead person?

Oh, and let me be the first to coin the phrase NON-NUN for such a person.

A bit more seriously, in some areas of this country, there will be people viewed by poll workers as “trustworthy,” like nuns and policemen and they’ll get to vote without ID, while some will be denied the vote by some racist poll worker because they resemble Harold and/or Kumar if they don’t have an ID.

So while some of you smarty-pants liberals out there might be all wound up by the fact that some nuns were denied the right to vote by some nasty Republican law in Indiana, you should in fact be celebrating the fact that the law applies equally to everyone in the Hoosier state.

Besides, the nuns were probably going to vote for Clinton.

For my next trick, allow me to help draft the articles of impeachment.

Having successfully pressured Ted Strickland and Company into demanding Marc Dann’s resignation would be enough for most bloggers. But not for Your Professor. I’m not going to stop until you’re satisfied.

Now, I assume Marc Dann will resign. But just in case he gets all stubborn on us, let me take a stab at some articles of impeachment.

This is going to be a partial list. I would imagine any articles of impeachment that will be introduced by a member of the Ohio House of Representatives will be quite long.
<